Pain is a strange thing. We feel pain when we stub our toes or fall in the dark on the way back to our beds after peeing for the third time that night. We feel pain when little receptors all over our body tell our neurons to tell our brain that there is danger and damage. This is one kind of pain. I don't necessarily mind that kind of pain. It reminds me of how alive and fragile we are on this earth. It's the kind of pain that starts from the inside that haunts most of us.
I read an article today that my friend's mother wrote about when she heard of her son's death and it was like all of a sudden my heart was being ripped open. I couldn't tell you why or how but starting from in between my lungs, everything in me felt like it was being pushed to either side of my ribs to make room for this black hole right there in the middle. I couldn't breath, I couldn't swallow, I was in pain. I was having a panic attack. "Deep breaths", "you can do this", "it is all in your head." When I recovered I was exhausted both physically and mentally. I couldn't figure out why this one article had triggered so much in me. Then I realized it was because I had read the article as if my own mother wrote it. I visualized her moving through the same experiences and at the end, me watching her and my father cry together as I float mindlessly in the air above them. I realized it could've been me. I would have caused so much pain and hurt that it would've destroyed her. My mother is the kind of person who cries at everything. She cried when she dropped me off at boarding school, at graduation, when she dropped me off at college and at every sad movie ever. I wouldn't be able to cope with her death so how could I have possibly believed she could cope with mine. Through out my worst days I convinced myself that everyone would be better off without me, that if I was gone they wouldn't feel that pain every time I told them I hurt myself or lied about where I was going. They couldn't feel that Pain anymore if I was no longer around to inflict it upon them. I was wrong. Somehow her article showed me the other side of our story and it shattered my world of thinking. Pain, It sucks. It persists. It strikes at the worst times, and loves to linger even into the good times. Pain is there to remind us that we are all in this battle together and that we shouldn't take the good things for granted. Today only reminded me of a quote that really stuck with me and I hope sticks with some of you. "Suicide doesn't get rid of your pain it simply passes it on to the people around you."- (I can't remember who said it) So hug your loved ones, tell them how much you love and appreciate them and remember that as much as you need them, they need you. Sincerely a -Survivor
6 Comments
6/6/2016 04:29:18 am
Wow. I wondered why I was writing and publishing that post when I wrote it. Soon after I got letters and notes like yours, I realized why. This is so eloquent.
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Survivor
6/6/2016 09:09:42 am
Please keep writing and sharing on facebook! I try to remain anonymous but just know that I was a good friend of Charles and was sincerely sorry for his passing. He had an amazing soul and it lives on through everything you write and share about. You will make a difference, don't ever forget that.!
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6/6/2016 12:57:03 pm
I will never stop talking openly about this subject. Of that you can be sure. You have my email and you are welcome to connect with me privately. I always love chatting with Charles' friends whether they are Facebook chats, text, phone or email! You can send a friend request. 6/23/2016 09:39:52 am
May I post this on my site? Give you credit and a link back to this post? What you have said here is so important. Just let me know. Thanks. And also, in private email, let me know what boarding school you attended. I will not disclose that no matter what and you do not have to reveal that. -- Anne Moss
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Survivor
6/23/2016 12:40:40 pm
Of course you may put it on your site! Just link it back here!
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7/1/2016 08:31:19 am
I will do that of course. I will use an excerpt to send them back here. Good resource for other young adults Leave a Reply. |
A SurvivorA couple of stories and experiences from one of the many survivors of self mutilation, suicide attempts, and mental disorders and illnesses. Archives
February 2017
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