Some days, regardless of how much you slept the night before, how well you did in classes or at your job, how much your loved ones told you they loved you, you go home and all you can do is cry. It isn't weakness, it is the expulsion of all of the negative emotions you've held in all day.
Sometimes you cry because you aren't confident in the way you look or feel. Sometimes you cry because someone hurts or humiliates you. Sometimes you cry because no one understands. And sometimes you just cry for no reason at all. Today is one of those days. I feel like absolute shit and I guess it's a combination of feeling lonely and disliking my body but really, it comes from this place in my heart that my depression likes to dig holes in. My heart physically hurts but it's just tired of working so hard everyday to cover up what I am really feeling inside. So crying every once in a while is how my heart lightens its load. Crying is like my heart yelling at me "Slow the fuck down! I need a moment to unload and catch up! Please take a minute to let me do that." So I cry and I know that I will survive it, and I know that afterwards I will feel better. I cried tonight, honestly I am still crying, and that's how I let things go. So don't be afraid to cry. Let it out! Your body needs to let it out. Yell in your pillow, cry and throw yourself a pity party if you need to! Once you start to cool down a bit think about why you needed that cry. Right now I'm thinking, " I needed it because I have a midterm on Thursday that I am really stressed about and because I am really struggling with controlling my weight and because I generally just felt like shit for zero reason." Okay I have my reasons now. Next I try to process it rationally, "is there anything I can do about the midterm right this moment at 11 at night? No, so stop stressing for now. Am I living healthily regardless of my weight. Well yes... Well then you are doing great! And the feeling like shit, well you have depression so that's going to happen. Oh right..." And as cheesy as the inner dialogue sounds, it helps me come down from a relatively dangerous state. In the past before I could rationally do this, I wouldn't know exactly what I was feeling besides anger and hurt and then I would hurt myself or others because I had no idea what to do with all of that emotion. I know talking yourself down can be really hard so if you have someone that you trust, let them help you. Don't let them give you advice or tell you what to do but to just think about it rationally for you. For example if I called my mom I might say "Mom, Im so sad and lonely and shitty and I don't know what to do, here is X,Y,and Z that is going on can you just talk me through this?" My mom really loves to tell me all of her diagnosis' and advice but I'm working on how to tell her, "Mom I don't need that right now, just tell me plainly what is going on because I can't figure out how to stop freaking out over all of it!" This is really hard to do in the moment so I strongly suggest you find a person before you are in the moment and talk them through this so they know what to expect and how to help. (PS. If you have a history with self harm/mutilation/starvation/ etc. tell your person you are safe at the start of the conversation so they don't immediately freak out, you want them to be the rational one!) Maybe you have additional methods which is great! I really love to listen music the entire time, sad music while I cry and then upbeat country music as I try to rejoin the rational world. And then I make sure to tell myself how well I have done recently and how far I have come. If you need to have someone else tell you this that's okay I just don't like that because I suck at accepting compliments and immediately assume they are just saying those things because they have to. Plus I think self compliments do a lot more for your soul than external compliments, but I understand sometimes you aren't in a place where you can do that. Whatever you have to do to separate yourself for a little bit and have a cry is worth it! You need that break and so does everything inside you I promise! So yeah Cry. Do it! Let yourself be vulnerable Because even if you feel weak it is then in which you have the most room to grow and love yourself. Because you are worth it. Because you are a -Survivor
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Wow, writing 'first' on something really adds a lot of pressure.
Hm. Well, I guess I'll start with a quick intro of me and how I got here. I am a young woman who really doesn't know where she's going with life, I know I love helping people and I love psychology. That's about it. All I know for sure is that I am headed forward. One of my favorite places (a wilderness therapy program called ANASAZI) referred to every decision you make as either forward walking or backwards walking. I am forward walking. I am trying to love myself for all of my imperfections and failures as well as trying to embrace life as it comes. Each day that I decide to live I am walking forward. Each day that I accept all of the episodes and tears being bipolar brings, I walk forward. It's always a struggle because I know that I can only walk forward with a heart of peace rather than one full of resentment, anger or fear; and that is probably the hardest thing of all. No one ever wants to let go because "someone has to pay for what they did to me" or if I let it go "that girl who stole my boyfriend will never know the hurt I felt." But what people don't realize is that these things hold us back, not the people we are angry at or hurt by, but us, and that really hinders a lot of our growth as humans. Alright now don't keep reading being all like, "who does this woman think she is, some kind of freaking expert?" No. I am no expert. Let me repeat. I am no expert. I am not perfect. I screw up so freaking much its crazy! I have been a lot of places and through a lot of different therapists and programs but I am still not an expert. I am simply figuring things out as I go and am realizing that some of these things saved my life and so maybe if I write about it, it might help someone else. So anyways. Back to the point. Forward Walking. Yes. That is why I am here. To share my story of how far I have come, how far I've yet to come, and maybe a few other survivors stories as well. I personally believe part of my journey forward involves trying to help us all learn about differences in illnesses and disorders as well as how to love one another and ourselves when we are struggling. That is why I will never sign my name on here. This journey is one for all of us to make together, it isn't about me or one individual's stories. It's about anyone and everyone out there who can relate to any of the words typed onto this screen. Anyone of you reading this will also be a -Survivor |
A SurvivorA couple of stories and experiences from one of the many survivors of self mutilation, suicide attempts, and mental disorders and illnesses. Archives
February 2017
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