*TRIGGER WARNING!*
"So I am sitting in my bed one night when Jessica and Sam start arguing about what our plans for the night were. Jessica points out that we’ve done nothing fun recently and should go out Sam decides that what we really need is to curl under some blankets and hide for a while. Jessica screams about her desires for love and popularity and that if we just spent that last 20 in my wallet that we could be important for some reason. Sam reminds Jessica that the last time we did that, we actually spent the last 200 in my bank account. Jessica says it was a one time thing. Sam brings up the last 10 times we’ve gone out, spent way too much money and hated ourselves the day after for it. Jessica promises it wont happen again. Sam says a shower and some old pain killers and a bed with no one around would feel even better. Jessica says we are going to die alone if we don’t go make friends. Sam says dying tonight might be preferable. Jessica says we should go out with a bang! Sam says we should simply disappear like ghosts. Jessica says we absolutely need to do our makeup and hair before we make any further decisions. Sam retorts that it doesn’t matter what we look like considering no one will even care if we died and therefor how we looked wouldn’t be important. Jessica argues that we need to at least Sam says we can’t do anything before Jessica says she wants Sam cries to Jessica Sam Jessica Sam STOP! I yell and scream and fight and kick and squeeze my eyes so tight it hurts! HELPPPP! When I open my eyes, I find my roommate staring at me with her phone in her hand trying desperately to decide if she should call the cops or an ambulance. 4 years later, and I could never forget that face of terror. I could never forget the way I felt like an alien in her eyes, a freak of nature, an anomaly, a misfit, an orphan. How could I ever forget the moment in which I realized neither Sam nor Jessica existed outside of my own diseased head?" A rough draft of a poem I was thinking of reading aloud at a slam sometime soon. Let me know what you think. Sincerely, -A Survivor
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I saw a light at the end of my tunnel exactly one month ago. It lasted all of two days before the bipolar asshole in me dragged me back down into the hellish pits of my depression. What does that mean? It means that school has been kicking my ass! Sorry that's a lot of language in the first three lines of this post but it was really necessary to describe how hateful I am towards being bipolar. I mean not only does it make me cry for 4 days straights and sit in my shower contemplating death but it also then turns around and sends me on a manic episode where I turned in a shit paper, got drunk and insulted a bunch of my friends and then laughed so hard I cried, over and over again... in the public library. Because why not? Right? It's literally like having two other selves, one that never stops talking and humiliates me. And one that thinks none of this is worth it and physically cant talk to anyone. It's like I'm stuck inside this body with these two crazy different personalities that have control over my body 95% of the time leaving sane me with the controls for a measly 5% of the time. Just so you understand, that means almost no one actually knows me because when they see "me" it's actually one of the two other guys in here with me. I am going to name them. I've just decided. Jessica and .... Sam. (Please don't be insulted if your name is one of those! Completely Random!) So Jessica gets to storm around yelling and supposedly happy and crazy. Sam gets to sulk and hate life and have panic attacks over literally everything. And here I am stuck in between the two screaming to let me finally have control over our actions! GAH it is sooooooo frustrating! Maybe it's different for other people with bipolar and obviously this isn't a 100% accurate but it's how it feels. I have full consciousness at all times of what I am doing but have you ever done something and then been like why the hell did I just do that? That's how it is. A constant feeling of WTF why on earth did I just say that or do that or think that. It's like I have main control of the steering wheel but Jessica and Sam keep changing the radio and jerking on the steering wheel. I don't know if any of that made sense but the point is I don't have control. Even when I have both hands on that wheel and am going steady; Jessica and Sam come storming in and start playing tug of war with the wheel causing me to swerve all up and down that road. Okay that's enough synonyms for one article. Anyways, today with a cold and hella homework, papers and midterms coming up, Sam is captaining the ship. She makes sleep impossible, actually doing work impossible because the stress and anxiety are so high, and essentially wants nothing from me but to sit and hate myself. What am I doing instead? Telling her to F herself! I had a dancing thing with a bunch of people that I auditioned for and got a part in. I did an outline for one paper and finished another. It might not seem like much but I pushed through it as much as I could and even when Sam pulled my wheel towards depression, I kept on pulling it back to the road. It's the little things. I haven't hurt myself and I haven't thought about suicide so I think I am doing pretty alright considering! Sincerely, -A Survivor |
A SurvivorA couple of stories and experiences from one of the many survivors of self mutilation, suicide attempts, and mental disorders and illnesses. Archives
February 2017
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