Finals rolled around at the same time I had to completely pack up my room, store stuff for the summer and try to get ready to go home. For some that's exciting and easy but for me, it added a lot of stress that I wasn't prepared to handle.
This last week I was in a lot of pain with not a lot of good things to say about life. These lows are to be expected considering I have bipolar depression but they still seem to surprise the shit out of me. The stress first seeps into my sleep and causes the most awful of nightmares leaving me in sweats and afraid to try and fall back asleep. Then I start forgetting all of the process I have made to overcome my disorder. Soon I am back in a place of wanting to crawl into a hole and disappear for a while. It sucks and usually by the time I realize I am having a depressive episode I am already so far in it's like I don't want help anymore. I knew I needed someone to rely on but I just couldn't get my fingers to dial any of the numbers I knew would connect me to my family. I know in theory my mom, my dad, my sister or any of my other siblings would be there and listen and all know what I was going through but I just couldn't. It was like I wasn't in control of my body anymore. This morning I took my last final and it was like this weight was completely lifted. All of a sudden I could feel the numbness seeping away and was finally excited to go home and see my family. I could look forward to home without stressing about fighting with my mom or the flights being unbearable. I could just feel that happiness and it was a great feeling. Sometimes lows don't have this immediate relief but this time did and I was really grateful for the stress to finally be over. I don't have a lesson for the day or even advice. I know this seems like such an irrelevant story but it's important to me to remind myself that things get better. It doesn't stay dark and miserable forever. The progress I have made will never be forgotten regardless of how many times I sink into these lows as long as I remember that they are just lows. They are just a part of my life that I have to accept and understand are only temporary. The point of the story is to remind myself and maybe a few of you out there that there is always hope and there will always be light at the end if you let it in. Be brave. Be strong. Every low I suffer through only makes me that much more of a -Survivor
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We all have different ideas of what "Good" Days consistent of. For some it is only the days in which something extremely amazing happens and every other day is just okay. For others it's when nothing goes wrong.
For people like me, it doesn't matter what happens throughout the day, it's whether or not I cry when I get home or if I can manage to do something productive like doing a little bit of homework or going out with friends. Essentially, a Good Day is any day that I don't feel like complete and utter shit. A Good Day is when I look at the mirror and only notice if my shirt matches my pants instead of how those pants fit my thighs. A Good Day is when I don't have a panic attack when my professor gets too close to my face to give me constructive feedback. A Good Day is when I can sit back and say, "my life is alright. I may not have much but what I do have is enough." A Good Day is when I can actually say the words "I love you" to my family without feeling like I'm lying. Maybe my standards are low. Maybe these things seem like nothing to you but these are the little victories. Good Days are the ones where I can breath without feeling the pressure of the world on my chest and that is enough for me. We live each day as if we have all the time in the world but with all that's happened recently it is a matter of fact that we just Don't. Things happen. Awful, Terrible things happen. A few days ago was the biggest Mass shooting in the US in Orlando and I just keep thinking, 'it could have been me.' When we are surrounded by so much instability and fear it is important to live each day as a Good Day. Whether you are depressed, bipolar, disabled, whatever, there is nothing holding you back from making today a Good Day. Get out of bed each morning and go to the mirror and look at nothing but your eyes. Look into your own soul and tell it that today will be Good. I don't care if you fail a test or someone disregards you, you look back into that mirror and say it again. Say it as many times as it takes, "Today is a Good Day." You are alive today and that is nothing to be taken advantage of. If it is a bad day then make it a Good Day for the people around you. Go out of your way to buy the person behind you a coffee or hold a door open for a stranger. Do something that your heart feels is right and Good. If it is a bad day let other people's happiness wash over you and accept it. Make their "Thank you"s repeat in your head over and over until you realize what you have to offer. You exist for a reason and when you realize that, I promise, it will become a Good Day. Accept the little victories. It's freaking hard as all Hell but just try to take a step back and recognize what you do have. You have a family, or a home, or food, or a big heart. Even the poorest of people have something and we have to use that to make every day worth living otherwise it is just a waste. Accept the Good Days for what they are (simple) and then when something unusually spectacular happens enjoy the Great Day that follows. Each day we conquer and make Good we become more and more like a -Survivor Pain is a strange thing. We feel pain when we stub our toes or fall in the dark on the way back to our beds after peeing for the third time that night. We feel pain when little receptors all over our body tell our neurons to tell our brain that there is danger and damage. This is one kind of pain. I don't necessarily mind that kind of pain. It reminds me of how alive and fragile we are on this earth. It's the kind of pain that starts from the inside that haunts most of us.
I read an article today that my friend's mother wrote about when she heard of her son's death and it was like all of a sudden my heart was being ripped open. I couldn't tell you why or how but starting from in between my lungs, everything in me felt like it was being pushed to either side of my ribs to make room for this black hole right there in the middle. I couldn't breath, I couldn't swallow, I was in pain. I was having a panic attack. "Deep breaths", "you can do this", "it is all in your head." When I recovered I was exhausted both physically and mentally. I couldn't figure out why this one article had triggered so much in me. Then I realized it was because I had read the article as if my own mother wrote it. I visualized her moving through the same experiences and at the end, me watching her and my father cry together as I float mindlessly in the air above them. I realized it could've been me. I would have caused so much pain and hurt that it would've destroyed her. My mother is the kind of person who cries at everything. She cried when she dropped me off at boarding school, at graduation, when she dropped me off at college and at every sad movie ever. I wouldn't be able to cope with her death so how could I have possibly believed she could cope with mine. Through out my worst days I convinced myself that everyone would be better off without me, that if I was gone they wouldn't feel that pain every time I told them I hurt myself or lied about where I was going. They couldn't feel that Pain anymore if I was no longer around to inflict it upon them. I was wrong. Somehow her article showed me the other side of our story and it shattered my world of thinking. Pain, It sucks. It persists. It strikes at the worst times, and loves to linger even into the good times. Pain is there to remind us that we are all in this battle together and that we shouldn't take the good things for granted. Today only reminded me of a quote that really stuck with me and I hope sticks with some of you. "Suicide doesn't get rid of your pain it simply passes it on to the people around you."- (I can't remember who said it) So hug your loved ones, tell them how much you love and appreciate them and remember that as much as you need them, they need you. Sincerely a -Survivor |
A SurvivorA couple of stories and experiences from one of the many survivors of self mutilation, suicide attempts, and mental disorders and illnesses. Archives
February 2017
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