My family really tries to understand whats happening but I don't think anyone can really understand. Tonight I went and listened to wonderful music with my dad and sister and had a good time but still came back feeling empty. Its the consistent feeling of inadequacy, fear and loneliness that keep me awake at all hours of the night. I want to cry....
I went to a counselor and nothing. I told my mom and nothing. I cried and nothing felt any better. So then what do I do if I'm anxious and depressed and can't seem to relieve any of it? Well that's what I am still working on. I don't think there is any secret or rule of thumb for this stuff. I think it sucks for everyone of us and it is up to us to figure it out. I can't tell you how to get rid of your depression but I can work to find ways to help relieve some of mine. Thats why just going to a counselor isn't enough, you have to commit and really work for it yourself or nothing will change. Everyone says it and it makes me want to punch people in the face when they do. It's like "BLEH you don't know me!" but then when I say it to myself I'm more like "oh yeah that makes sense..." So don't let me tell you it, tell yourself later. Say it in the mirror loud and proud. But like I said, nothing I say really matters at all unless you have already made the decision to change and get better, be better. Good Luck, I know I need some. Sincerely -A Survivor
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Hey guys.
Coming home after camp was really hard. I no longer have people who need me or people who care about my well-being. I don't have a purpose or a community. I also am feeling overwhelmed by the idea of returning to a school where I feel severely inadequate and have difficulty handling the stresses of classes and social obligations. I want to cry and sink into a hole because of the amount of anxiety and fear of having to return and possibly considering transferring schools. I am seeing someone tomorrow. I hope it helps. I can't keep this up. Does anyone have any inspiring words or stories or anything else that might help me or anybody else reading this? We could all use a little support and unfortunately I am not able to provide that for anyone right now. So right a sentence, a paragraph or novel and send it to [email protected] and I will post it as the next article. Good luck to all of you and again, I am so sorry for failing you today. I really am trying to be -A Survivor What about the bad things Treatment centers do to us? Does anybody actually care? I mean I was in a bad place when my parents sent me but honestly I was no worse then than I am now, in fact I feel worse more often now than I ever did then. So why the hell did my parents send me off when I started to communicate with them how suicidal and depressed I was? I was sad and alone and somehow shipping me off to be more alone and vulnerable seemed like a good idea? First off my dad lied to me to get me to go so instantly destroyed my trust in him. Second I was strip searched 6 months after being raped so being naked in front of these people brought back a lot of that trauma. Third it reinforced every idea in my head that I wasn't worthy of love or attention and that I was broken because it seemed like my parents didn't love me enough any more to help me themselves.
So why the fuck did they send me? I remember sitting there crying as my "therapist" told me it was my fault that I was there, that I made my parents send me, that I should be grateful that they can afford to send me somewhere so nice, that really I should be in a psych ward, that if I didn't try harder she would tell my parents that I was threatening to hurt myself so that I'd have to stay longer. I remember being forced to eat and then later people threatening not to feed me. I remember being terrified at night because girls would scream and yell things and bash their heads against the tile as a 250 lbs man sat on them to restrain them. I remember the redhead who would pace the room at night and threaten to kill all of us. I remember not being able to reach any of my family because I had written a letter home (that was read and not sent of course) scared that someone was actually going to hurt me. I lied and hid and pretended that everything was okay so that people might forget I was there and let me go. Instead I lost a year of my life to that place. I spent a year in silence where no one listened to my fear or pains and where I was so afraid I would wake up at night screaming. Now I wake up screaming after dreaming about that place. It haunts me. I hate my parents for sending me there and for not ever listening to the shit that went down. I hate myself for letting it happen to me. I hate the world for making a place like that. Most of all I hate that I can't tell anyone about it because they'll just say how much better I came out and how I am exaggerating but what they don't understand or care about is the fact that I only came out hiding everything better. I wasn't better, I was in disguise because I was afraid if I said anything, they'd send me back. Sorry I'm okay just having a lot of flashbacks and needed to let someone know how I was feeling.... I'm okay because I know that no matter how bad I feel right now, I have a purpose and I could never leave my niece behind. So all I am trying to do is Survive. Sincerely- A Survivor So I know I haven't written in a little bit but you might be surprised why! I have been a 100% in my happy place. Not just happy in my head but a happy place in my heart. I have returned to work at a camp that I went to as a child for 8 years and I have absolutely loved it. It sounds silly but camp was my safe place away from the divorced parents and mean kids at school. Camp gave me that safe haven that I needed and I have really enjoyed watching it become that safe place for kids now. Usually at home I force smiles when I think they should be inserted but it never seems natural. Well at camp I sit back and watch this kids and smile without even thinking about it.
I think it is important that we all find that safe place because it reminds us that there are some good things in this life. Not everything is dark and upsetting. Not everything in this world is going to break our hearts and hurt our spirits. Some things make life worth living. I love my camp because I can sit there and remember all of those years that I convinced myself not to commit suicide because camp would always be there for me. Those counselors dedicated their lives to making our experiences spectacular and I am so grateful to have the opportunity to do that for others. Anyways I wanted everyone to know I was doing okay and not to worry about me. I am exhausted emotionally and physically but I am holding in and couldn't be happier. I am scared as hell to start school next year again but I'm hoping this sense of purpose will last me throughout the year. Love y'all and hope you find your own happy places! Sincerly- A Survivor |
A SurvivorA couple of stories and experiences from one of the many survivors of self mutilation, suicide attempts, and mental disorders and illnesses. Archives
February 2017
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