*TRIGGER WARNING!*
"So I am sitting in my bed one night when Jessica and Sam start arguing about what our plans for the night were. Jessica points out that we’ve done nothing fun recently and should go out Sam decides that what we really need is to curl under some blankets and hide for a while. Jessica screams about her desires for love and popularity and that if we just spent that last 20 in my wallet that we could be important for some reason. Sam reminds Jessica that the last time we did that, we actually spent the last 200 in my bank account. Jessica says it was a one time thing. Sam brings up the last 10 times we’ve gone out, spent way too much money and hated ourselves the day after for it. Jessica promises it wont happen again. Sam says a shower and some old pain killers and a bed with no one around would feel even better. Jessica says we are going to die alone if we don’t go make friends. Sam says dying tonight might be preferable. Jessica says we should go out with a bang! Sam says we should simply disappear like ghosts. Jessica says we absolutely need to do our makeup and hair before we make any further decisions. Sam retorts that it doesn’t matter what we look like considering no one will even care if we died and therefor how we looked wouldn’t be important. Jessica argues that we need to at least Sam says we can’t do anything before Jessica says she wants Sam cries to Jessica Sam Jessica Sam STOP! I yell and scream and fight and kick and squeeze my eyes so tight it hurts! HELPPPP! When I open my eyes, I find my roommate staring at me with her phone in her hand trying desperately to decide if she should call the cops or an ambulance. 4 years later, and I could never forget that face of terror. I could never forget the way I felt like an alien in her eyes, a freak of nature, an anomaly, a misfit, an orphan. How could I ever forget the moment in which I realized neither Sam nor Jessica existed outside of my own diseased head?" A rough draft of a poem I was thinking of reading aloud at a slam sometime soon. Let me know what you think. Sincerely, -A Survivor
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A SurvivorA couple of stories and experiences from one of the many survivors of self mutilation, suicide attempts, and mental disorders and illnesses. Archives
February 2017
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