Change fucking sucks...
Oh sorry, excuse my french but it really does suck. Some people encourage it or maybe even get excited by it, but those people are either lying or freaks of nature. Not really but sometimes it feels like that to those of us who really struggle with it. People say I am good with change because I've flip- flopped between schools and houses once my parents got divorced but they never say how much it terrified me. Before every first day of school I would stay awake all night rehearsing how to make friends and what I should tell people to make them like me. I needed to figure out how to casually say I had spent my last semester studying online because I had to make up an entire year of high school in the span of a few months. I needed to explain why I had scars on random parts of my body and why I jumped when people snuck up on me or touched me. I had to explain why truth or dare games weren't a possibility since I was so afraid of being forced into another situation where I wouldn't be in control. I was so messed up for so long that every change of location or school I had to redesign a story in which I didn't look like a complete psycho. Every change brought that anxiety back that someone would figure me out or that I wouldn't fit in. I just wanted to be accepted somewhere and change made that impossible for me. I spent so long hiding and fearing change that I never made friends because it was easier to accept that I would be alone for a little while and then things would change and I'd end up somewhere new. I could blow people off because my life had taught me nothing lasted. Nothing was worth getting close to or attached to because things in my life always fell apart and changed. But that sucked almost as much as the changes did. I I claim to enjoy being alone but really being alone is the only place I have no fear of rejection and thats what I fear most. I fear rejection from my dad as he told me he wasn't inviting me to his wedding, rejection as my new "friends" left me at a bar alone on my birthday, rejection as life proves to me I'm not worth much. That can't be the way I live though. I need to Change. We are all going to get hurt or be rejected and our lives are always going to change unexpectedly. Instead of trying to hide from change, maybe it is time to woman up and accept that it is inevitable. Mind you that sounds impossible to me but maybe if I could just make a few friends here and there and maybe I could just put myself out there and if I get rejected, then who cares about them anyway! Maybe I could try one crazy thing at a time and accept that that's just who I am. I am a reserved person but that doesn't have to make me a loner. I wrote this today because I want some one to keep me accountable to get better. I want everyone reading this to be my witness of trying be a better me. I don't have to fear change or worry what people will think of me as long as I like who I am and am ok with the lengths of which I put myself out there to be social. Change happens but it's what I do in reaction to it that makes me who I am. Sincerely a -Survivor
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A SurvivorA couple of stories and experiences from one of the many survivors of self mutilation, suicide attempts, and mental disorders and illnesses. Archives
February 2017
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