What's That?
Yeah That! Over There!!!! Holy Shit is that what I think it is? A light at the end of this depressive episode has finally approached! I feel less like I am drowning all the time, just some of the time. I only occasionally now stop being able to breath because of the anxiety. I only occasionally start seeing blackspots on the edges of my vision when I remember something that I had forgotten. It's not much but it's a start. I'm surviving college. Thank God! I like my roommates and I have been able to be somewhat social with them. I have a job, albeit a babysitting one that starts at 6 am and makes me walk 3 miles before 10 am, I have a few friends here and there and I have yet to miss an assignment. I've bought books and groceries and been cooking well for myself. Everything is super difficult but somehow I've kind of put my body on auto and it's doing most of it for me without much on my part. I feel.... ok. Sad, lonely, anxious, scared, nervous, tense, but somehow... ok. So that's my light at the end of the tunnel. An OK-ness is good enough for me, for now. It's my birthday on Saturday though. And recruitment for my sorority starts on Saturday and I am in charge of all of the organizing and matching people stuff. So no one is going to give a shit about My day. 16th birthday I didn't get anything from my parents and I wanted to kill myself (not necessarily because of that). 17th birthday I was in treatment and was terrified for my life as well as generally feeling like my parents hated me and that's why they left me. 18th I was at boarding school and everyone forgot. 19th I was in Greece on a semester abroad and sat in my bathtub fully clothed crying while my roommate proceeded to have sex in our room. so now its my 20th. I want to expect love and happiness and hugs and smiles but in reality I know it will be a lot of computer screen and anxiety. I don't want it to bring me back into the darkness I am slowly emerging from but already I feel my heart hurting wishing someone, literally anyone, gave a shit about me and a special day. Instead I'll get a bunch of shitty FB posts, a voicemail from my dad along with an amazon card, and some random shit my mom found on amazon and thought would be funny. SO that's where I am at. Thanks for letting me vent. If you have any advice hit me up at [email protected] Sincerely -A Survivor
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A SurvivorA couple of stories and experiences from one of the many survivors of self mutilation, suicide attempts, and mental disorders and illnesses. Archives
February 2017
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