Finals rolled around at the same time I had to completely pack up my room, store stuff for the summer and try to get ready to go home. For some that's exciting and easy but for me, it added a lot of stress that I wasn't prepared to handle.
This last week I was in a lot of pain with not a lot of good things to say about life. These lows are to be expected considering I have bipolar depression but they still seem to surprise the shit out of me. The stress first seeps into my sleep and causes the most awful of nightmares leaving me in sweats and afraid to try and fall back asleep. Then I start forgetting all of the process I have made to overcome my disorder. Soon I am back in a place of wanting to crawl into a hole and disappear for a while. It sucks and usually by the time I realize I am having a depressive episode I am already so far in it's like I don't want help anymore. I knew I needed someone to rely on but I just couldn't get my fingers to dial any of the numbers I knew would connect me to my family. I know in theory my mom, my dad, my sister or any of my other siblings would be there and listen and all know what I was going through but I just couldn't. It was like I wasn't in control of my body anymore. This morning I took my last final and it was like this weight was completely lifted. All of a sudden I could feel the numbness seeping away and was finally excited to go home and see my family. I could look forward to home without stressing about fighting with my mom or the flights being unbearable. I could just feel that happiness and it was a great feeling. Sometimes lows don't have this immediate relief but this time did and I was really grateful for the stress to finally be over. I don't have a lesson for the day or even advice. I know this seems like such an irrelevant story but it's important to me to remind myself that things get better. It doesn't stay dark and miserable forever. The progress I have made will never be forgotten regardless of how many times I sink into these lows as long as I remember that they are just lows. They are just a part of my life that I have to accept and understand are only temporary. The point of the story is to remind myself and maybe a few of you out there that there is always hope and there will always be light at the end if you let it in. Be brave. Be strong. Every low I suffer through only makes me that much more of a -Survivor
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A SurvivorA couple of stories and experiences from one of the many survivors of self mutilation, suicide attempts, and mental disorders and illnesses. Archives
February 2017
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