Change fucking sucks...
Oh sorry, excuse my french but it really does suck. Some people encourage it or maybe even get excited by it, but those people are either lying or freaks of nature. Not really but sometimes it feels like that to those of us who really struggle with it. People say I am good with change because I've flip- flopped between schools and houses once my parents got divorced but they never say how much it terrified me. Before every first day of school I would stay awake all night rehearsing how to make friends and what I should tell people to make them like me. I needed to figure out how to casually say I had spent my last semester studying online because I had to make up an entire year of high school in the span of a few months. I needed to explain why I had scars on random parts of my body and why I jumped when people snuck up on me or touched me. I had to explain why truth or dare games weren't a possibility since I was so afraid of being forced into another situation where I wouldn't be in control. I was so messed up for so long that every change of location or school I had to redesign a story in which I didn't look like a complete psycho. Every change brought that anxiety back that someone would figure me out or that I wouldn't fit in. I just wanted to be accepted somewhere and change made that impossible for me. I spent so long hiding and fearing change that I never made friends because it was easier to accept that I would be alone for a little while and then things would change and I'd end up somewhere new. I could blow people off because my life had taught me nothing lasted. Nothing was worth getting close to or attached to because things in my life always fell apart and changed. But that sucked almost as much as the changes did. I I claim to enjoy being alone but really being alone is the only place I have no fear of rejection and thats what I fear most. I fear rejection from my dad as he told me he wasn't inviting me to his wedding, rejection as my new "friends" left me at a bar alone on my birthday, rejection as life proves to me I'm not worth much. That can't be the way I live though. I need to Change. We are all going to get hurt or be rejected and our lives are always going to change unexpectedly. Instead of trying to hide from change, maybe it is time to woman up and accept that it is inevitable. Mind you that sounds impossible to me but maybe if I could just make a few friends here and there and maybe I could just put myself out there and if I get rejected, then who cares about them anyway! Maybe I could try one crazy thing at a time and accept that that's just who I am. I am a reserved person but that doesn't have to make me a loner. I wrote this today because I want some one to keep me accountable to get better. I want everyone reading this to be my witness of trying be a better me. I don't have to fear change or worry what people will think of me as long as I like who I am and am ok with the lengths of which I put myself out there to be social. Change happens but it's what I do in reaction to it that makes me who I am. Sincerely a -Survivor
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Finals rolled around at the same time I had to completely pack up my room, store stuff for the summer and try to get ready to go home. For some that's exciting and easy but for me, it added a lot of stress that I wasn't prepared to handle.
This last week I was in a lot of pain with not a lot of good things to say about life. These lows are to be expected considering I have bipolar depression but they still seem to surprise the shit out of me. The stress first seeps into my sleep and causes the most awful of nightmares leaving me in sweats and afraid to try and fall back asleep. Then I start forgetting all of the process I have made to overcome my disorder. Soon I am back in a place of wanting to crawl into a hole and disappear for a while. It sucks and usually by the time I realize I am having a depressive episode I am already so far in it's like I don't want help anymore. I knew I needed someone to rely on but I just couldn't get my fingers to dial any of the numbers I knew would connect me to my family. I know in theory my mom, my dad, my sister or any of my other siblings would be there and listen and all know what I was going through but I just couldn't. It was like I wasn't in control of my body anymore. This morning I took my last final and it was like this weight was completely lifted. All of a sudden I could feel the numbness seeping away and was finally excited to go home and see my family. I could look forward to home without stressing about fighting with my mom or the flights being unbearable. I could just feel that happiness and it was a great feeling. Sometimes lows don't have this immediate relief but this time did and I was really grateful for the stress to finally be over. I don't have a lesson for the day or even advice. I know this seems like such an irrelevant story but it's important to me to remind myself that things get better. It doesn't stay dark and miserable forever. The progress I have made will never be forgotten regardless of how many times I sink into these lows as long as I remember that they are just lows. They are just a part of my life that I have to accept and understand are only temporary. The point of the story is to remind myself and maybe a few of you out there that there is always hope and there will always be light at the end if you let it in. Be brave. Be strong. Every low I suffer through only makes me that much more of a -Survivor We all have different ideas of what "Good" Days consistent of. For some it is only the days in which something extremely amazing happens and every other day is just okay. For others it's when nothing goes wrong.
For people like me, it doesn't matter what happens throughout the day, it's whether or not I cry when I get home or if I can manage to do something productive like doing a little bit of homework or going out with friends. Essentially, a Good Day is any day that I don't feel like complete and utter shit. A Good Day is when I look at the mirror and only notice if my shirt matches my pants instead of how those pants fit my thighs. A Good Day is when I don't have a panic attack when my professor gets too close to my face to give me constructive feedback. A Good Day is when I can sit back and say, "my life is alright. I may not have much but what I do have is enough." A Good Day is when I can actually say the words "I love you" to my family without feeling like I'm lying. Maybe my standards are low. Maybe these things seem like nothing to you but these are the little victories. Good Days are the ones where I can breath without feeling the pressure of the world on my chest and that is enough for me. We live each day as if we have all the time in the world but with all that's happened recently it is a matter of fact that we just Don't. Things happen. Awful, Terrible things happen. A few days ago was the biggest Mass shooting in the US in Orlando and I just keep thinking, 'it could have been me.' When we are surrounded by so much instability and fear it is important to live each day as a Good Day. Whether you are depressed, bipolar, disabled, whatever, there is nothing holding you back from making today a Good Day. Get out of bed each morning and go to the mirror and look at nothing but your eyes. Look into your own soul and tell it that today will be Good. I don't care if you fail a test or someone disregards you, you look back into that mirror and say it again. Say it as many times as it takes, "Today is a Good Day." You are alive today and that is nothing to be taken advantage of. If it is a bad day then make it a Good Day for the people around you. Go out of your way to buy the person behind you a coffee or hold a door open for a stranger. Do something that your heart feels is right and Good. If it is a bad day let other people's happiness wash over you and accept it. Make their "Thank you"s repeat in your head over and over until you realize what you have to offer. You exist for a reason and when you realize that, I promise, it will become a Good Day. Accept the little victories. It's freaking hard as all Hell but just try to take a step back and recognize what you do have. You have a family, or a home, or food, or a big heart. Even the poorest of people have something and we have to use that to make every day worth living otherwise it is just a waste. Accept the Good Days for what they are (simple) and then when something unusually spectacular happens enjoy the Great Day that follows. Each day we conquer and make Good we become more and more like a -Survivor Pain is a strange thing. We feel pain when we stub our toes or fall in the dark on the way back to our beds after peeing for the third time that night. We feel pain when little receptors all over our body tell our neurons to tell our brain that there is danger and damage. This is one kind of pain. I don't necessarily mind that kind of pain. It reminds me of how alive and fragile we are on this earth. It's the kind of pain that starts from the inside that haunts most of us.
I read an article today that my friend's mother wrote about when she heard of her son's death and it was like all of a sudden my heart was being ripped open. I couldn't tell you why or how but starting from in between my lungs, everything in me felt like it was being pushed to either side of my ribs to make room for this black hole right there in the middle. I couldn't breath, I couldn't swallow, I was in pain. I was having a panic attack. "Deep breaths", "you can do this", "it is all in your head." When I recovered I was exhausted both physically and mentally. I couldn't figure out why this one article had triggered so much in me. Then I realized it was because I had read the article as if my own mother wrote it. I visualized her moving through the same experiences and at the end, me watching her and my father cry together as I float mindlessly in the air above them. I realized it could've been me. I would have caused so much pain and hurt that it would've destroyed her. My mother is the kind of person who cries at everything. She cried when she dropped me off at boarding school, at graduation, when she dropped me off at college and at every sad movie ever. I wouldn't be able to cope with her death so how could I have possibly believed she could cope with mine. Through out my worst days I convinced myself that everyone would be better off without me, that if I was gone they wouldn't feel that pain every time I told them I hurt myself or lied about where I was going. They couldn't feel that Pain anymore if I was no longer around to inflict it upon them. I was wrong. Somehow her article showed me the other side of our story and it shattered my world of thinking. Pain, It sucks. It persists. It strikes at the worst times, and loves to linger even into the good times. Pain is there to remind us that we are all in this battle together and that we shouldn't take the good things for granted. Today only reminded me of a quote that really stuck with me and I hope sticks with some of you. "Suicide doesn't get rid of your pain it simply passes it on to the people around you."- (I can't remember who said it) So hug your loved ones, tell them how much you love and appreciate them and remember that as much as you need them, they need you. Sincerely a -Survivor Some days, regardless of how much you slept the night before, how well you did in classes or at your job, how much your loved ones told you they loved you, you go home and all you can do is cry. It isn't weakness, it is the expulsion of all of the negative emotions you've held in all day.
Sometimes you cry because you aren't confident in the way you look or feel. Sometimes you cry because someone hurts or humiliates you. Sometimes you cry because no one understands. And sometimes you just cry for no reason at all. Today is one of those days. I feel like absolute shit and I guess it's a combination of feeling lonely and disliking my body but really, it comes from this place in my heart that my depression likes to dig holes in. My heart physically hurts but it's just tired of working so hard everyday to cover up what I am really feeling inside. So crying every once in a while is how my heart lightens its load. Crying is like my heart yelling at me "Slow the fuck down! I need a moment to unload and catch up! Please take a minute to let me do that." So I cry and I know that I will survive it, and I know that afterwards I will feel better. I cried tonight, honestly I am still crying, and that's how I let things go. So don't be afraid to cry. Let it out! Your body needs to let it out. Yell in your pillow, cry and throw yourself a pity party if you need to! Once you start to cool down a bit think about why you needed that cry. Right now I'm thinking, " I needed it because I have a midterm on Thursday that I am really stressed about and because I am really struggling with controlling my weight and because I generally just felt like shit for zero reason." Okay I have my reasons now. Next I try to process it rationally, "is there anything I can do about the midterm right this moment at 11 at night? No, so stop stressing for now. Am I living healthily regardless of my weight. Well yes... Well then you are doing great! And the feeling like shit, well you have depression so that's going to happen. Oh right..." And as cheesy as the inner dialogue sounds, it helps me come down from a relatively dangerous state. In the past before I could rationally do this, I wouldn't know exactly what I was feeling besides anger and hurt and then I would hurt myself or others because I had no idea what to do with all of that emotion. I know talking yourself down can be really hard so if you have someone that you trust, let them help you. Don't let them give you advice or tell you what to do but to just think about it rationally for you. For example if I called my mom I might say "Mom, Im so sad and lonely and shitty and I don't know what to do, here is X,Y,and Z that is going on can you just talk me through this?" My mom really loves to tell me all of her diagnosis' and advice but I'm working on how to tell her, "Mom I don't need that right now, just tell me plainly what is going on because I can't figure out how to stop freaking out over all of it!" This is really hard to do in the moment so I strongly suggest you find a person before you are in the moment and talk them through this so they know what to expect and how to help. (PS. If you have a history with self harm/mutilation/starvation/ etc. tell your person you are safe at the start of the conversation so they don't immediately freak out, you want them to be the rational one!) Maybe you have additional methods which is great! I really love to listen music the entire time, sad music while I cry and then upbeat country music as I try to rejoin the rational world. And then I make sure to tell myself how well I have done recently and how far I have come. If you need to have someone else tell you this that's okay I just don't like that because I suck at accepting compliments and immediately assume they are just saying those things because they have to. Plus I think self compliments do a lot more for your soul than external compliments, but I understand sometimes you aren't in a place where you can do that. Whatever you have to do to separate yourself for a little bit and have a cry is worth it! You need that break and so does everything inside you I promise! So yeah Cry. Do it! Let yourself be vulnerable Because even if you feel weak it is then in which you have the most room to grow and love yourself. Because you are worth it. Because you are a -Survivor Wow, writing 'first' on something really adds a lot of pressure.
Hm. Well, I guess I'll start with a quick intro of me and how I got here. I am a young woman who really doesn't know where she's going with life, I know I love helping people and I love psychology. That's about it. All I know for sure is that I am headed forward. One of my favorite places (a wilderness therapy program called ANASAZI) referred to every decision you make as either forward walking or backwards walking. I am forward walking. I am trying to love myself for all of my imperfections and failures as well as trying to embrace life as it comes. Each day that I decide to live I am walking forward. Each day that I accept all of the episodes and tears being bipolar brings, I walk forward. It's always a struggle because I know that I can only walk forward with a heart of peace rather than one full of resentment, anger or fear; and that is probably the hardest thing of all. No one ever wants to let go because "someone has to pay for what they did to me" or if I let it go "that girl who stole my boyfriend will never know the hurt I felt." But what people don't realize is that these things hold us back, not the people we are angry at or hurt by, but us, and that really hinders a lot of our growth as humans. Alright now don't keep reading being all like, "who does this woman think she is, some kind of freaking expert?" No. I am no expert. Let me repeat. I am no expert. I am not perfect. I screw up so freaking much its crazy! I have been a lot of places and through a lot of different therapists and programs but I am still not an expert. I am simply figuring things out as I go and am realizing that some of these things saved my life and so maybe if I write about it, it might help someone else. So anyways. Back to the point. Forward Walking. Yes. That is why I am here. To share my story of how far I have come, how far I've yet to come, and maybe a few other survivors stories as well. I personally believe part of my journey forward involves trying to help us all learn about differences in illnesses and disorders as well as how to love one another and ourselves when we are struggling. That is why I will never sign my name on here. This journey is one for all of us to make together, it isn't about me or one individual's stories. It's about anyone and everyone out there who can relate to any of the words typed onto this screen. Anyone of you reading this will also be a -Survivor |
A SurvivorA couple of stories and experiences from one of the many survivors of self mutilation, suicide attempts, and mental disorders and illnesses. Archives
February 2017
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